“This is a divorce. In Hollywood that’s as big as someone painting their house.”

Here are some more quotes and excerpts from the romantic comedy Hollywood Ass...

“When B had launched her projectile vomit, right there on the red carpet, the world stopped for a second and stared at the mash of white wine, shrimp, guacamole and God knows what else, and asked the obvious question: What the hell happened? The famous TV-presenter, who witnessed the whole thing from only a meter away and probably got some of her regurgitated food on his shoes, probably asked the same thing. He was frozen and pale, a rare look on his always polished and controlled facade.”

B was an immensely successful romantic comedy actress and the star of movies that made women all over the world go “oooh” and guys go “uuuugh”.

“Good luck,” A said without a hint of belief in his voice and returned to his Ferrari, a car that always performed flawlessly, something I’m sure he wished for in his wife.

B about her husband’s transformation: “From flower-petal-trails to scratching his balls openly and only lusting after things with wheels, what an amazing transformation! I used to feel like the most special woman in the world and now I’m like his sister, bucktooth Bree from fucking Oklahoma. I should take a sledgehammer down to that garage!”

“No, of course I don’t hate you. I was just worried about you, because the B I know doesn’t run away to foreign countries to have late night rendezvous’ with other men.”

A man was touching me. Luckily we weren’t in a bar, but in a Gucci store and the man was a white-haired, old-school tailor with a pen behind his ear and measuring tape in his hands. I was getting an outfit custom-made, express charge and was paying for it.

“No. There was only one thing alive on you and it was THAT thing.” B’s eyed travel downwards and fastened on where my groin would be, if it wasn’t covered by the bed linen.

Agent Julianne was always looking for ways to spin things. She would have been better off owning a laundromat.

I don’t know how I managed to keep calm and take it, but I did. I saw them exchange jokes and smiles and look so goddamn worry-free that for a second I felt like throwing my wine glass in their faces and leave. Take that you rich and soulless motherfuckers! How does the wine taste when you got it through your nose?

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