Or watch the trailer:
The day started with Aiden and I picking up a box of fresh “Hollywood Ass.” from the US and A. They look great, all thanks to my brilliant cover designer Etienne Bugeja. They’re available on Amazon US or Amazon UK etc. Read more about how to get your hands on one through the dedicated Hollywood Ass page. And if you’re interested in reviewing it for Amazon and your personal blog or website, send me your details and I might send you a print or e-book straight away. Any help getting the message out about the book is GREATLY appreciated.
I know, I know. It’s an absolutely ridiculous headline showcasing my very bad taste.
But it does look good though, doesn’t it? And by that I don’t mean any old ass, I mean the print edition of Hollywood Ass. as displayed in the picture above. The cover is designed by the excellent designer Etienne Bugeja who also designed The Wake-Up Call.
(By the way, Ass. is an abbreviation of assistant)
Print UK: http://amzn.to/12hWggM
Print US: http://amzn.to/XZcQLC
If you prefer e-books, Hollywood Ass. is actually FREE today.
Links for Hollywood Ass kindle version:
A romantic and humorous story about Hollywood, fame, friendship and love.
If you like the drama celebrity lives provide, you should check out Hollywood Ass. a romantic comedy with loveable characters and lots of laughs.
A Hollywood superstar suffers a mental collapse, her marriage is on the ropes, her career is at a standstill and the only one keeping it all together is her loyal assistant and friend, Darryl. Problem is, he’s kind of in love with her. Soon he finds himself drawn into a story that is much like the movies his employer stars in. But in real life the answers aren’t in the script…
Some comments about Hollywood Ass.
“This was a delightful read that made me laugh and love these two unexpected lovebirds!”
“This is like the Wake-up call by the same writer, Jonas Eriksson. You start reading it and you don´t want to stop. Many twists to the story make it interesting. And the end was exactly the way I wanted it!”
“Not quite romance and not quite comedy, the story is powerful and interesting enough to be the next big Love Actually. It’s difficult not to feel for the leading roles in this book. A very entertaining view on Hollywood life.”
“Transports you into another world! Enjoyed the trip and loved every minute reading it!”
It’s been a pain, I tell you, writing my second novel. I’m working on rewrite number three and I’m far from sure it will be good enough. Maybe the whole idea is flawed? Maybe I should just burn the whole thing?
But then again, I don’t want to set my Macbook on fire.
Writing is painful. Or can be painful, if you let the whole process get to you, which you will, over the period of writing a book. Characters and ideas burst into the sky like fireworks or burn down to the ground in flames. You love yourself and you hate yourself. You think you’re the greatest writer who ever lived and suddenly you can’t get a sentence together. Doubts, doubts, doubts. Will they understand? Is it funny? Is it vital? Does it fulfil a need? Is there place for it in the market?
You see what I mean. Painful.
I launched myself into this book with excitement. I had an idea that I wanted to play with, how it would be to work as an assistant for a “Brangelina”, or a “Robsten” – a celebrity couple dealing with the constant pressure of fame AND marriage.
I would center the book around a celebrity assistant, a guy who lived inside of the LIFE, but who still could observe the craziness from outside. It would be funny, I thought. And people like reading about celebrities.
I attacked the story in a furious pace. I set off at least an hour every day for writing (mostly during lunch, but also late evenings) and I was progressing towards the finish line with gargantuan steps.
Everything was going so smoothly I was already toying with the idea of what my third book was going to be about. I thought I could be one of those authors who write 2-3 books every year. Being an author was easy-peasy!
Then it hit me like a hardcover on the head – the book sucked! My writing had gone at such a speed that I had forgot to put anything in it – an idea, a feeling, something beyond sentences. The plot was there, but still I had lost it, if you get the pun. The writing was empty and stale and, I hate to admit it, pretty fucking boring.
I was doing what I derided other people for in my day job as a Creative Director, rushing it. I had set myself an ambitious deadline and completely lost the target when it came to quality in the storytelling. It was like I just wanted to get the story over with so I could rake in the money and start writing the next bestseller.
In retrospect, this sounds silly, but I was on a speeding bus and Keanu Reeves wasn’t there to stop it. I was going to hit the wall with a BAM.
Luckily, my girlfriend Lenah woke me up. She reads my writing and I read hers, and I remember her telling me that it just wasn’t good. “What’s your idea here?” she asked me and it hurt like a migraine.
“Idea?” I said, immediately taking a defensive (passive-aggressive) position, “What do you mean?”
“What is the idea behind the book, what is it really about?”
That stopped me in my tracks. Deep down inside, I was screaming, because I knew she was right. In the haze of finishing the book in record time, I had completely lost the idea. Even the idea of an idea!
“You can do much better than this,” she said, and at first I was angry at her for telling it to me straight, but after thinking about it for a while, I couldn’t defend myself anymore. My writing was simply not up to scratch. I had to rewrite the whole thing (insert swearword).
So I did. I rewrote it.
I took quite a while, and afterwards I gave it to her like a proud little school boy, expecting only praise. The book was damn funny, I thought.
But Lenah wasn’t happy. There was still something missing. “Ahhh, not again!”, I thought. What can possibly be wrong this time?
Then I read it myself and saw the same thing again. The story was better, but it sounded automatic, mechanical – it lacked feeling.
Crap! I thought, and started rewriting it a third time. This time doing BIG changes, rethinking the whole story line, adding and subtracting scenes, changing characters – a major manuscript overhaul.
A week ago I finished “draft” three and now I’m going through it with my red pen. It’s so much better than my previous two drafts, but I’m still not sure it’s good enough. Is it really something I’m truly happy with and that I can be proud of?
But then again, are you ever?
I don’t know if I set too high standards or too low standards for myself and my writing. I know I’m not the kind of person to opt for the easy way out, but I also know I have a tendency to rush from one idea to the next. Because I want to hit that publish button so badly. I want to checkmark the “project”. Still I want it to be good, of course. No, good is not enough, I want it to be brilliant.
You see what I’m fighting with here?
And my “split personality” is what makes it so difficult for me to assess how good (or bad) my stories are and that’s why I need a second reader, which is my first layer of quality assurance – my shit-filter. Usually, one layer/filter isn’t enough, you ideally need a second layer too, for example a group of friends, but the first layer is the most important. And the first layer needs to be harsh and honest and give it to you straight.
That’s why I’m happy to have Lenah, who’s always honest and sometimes harshly so. She helps me keep me on my toes.
And right now I’m truly nervous to hear what she thinks of draft number 3. But if I pass and can start to think about publishing, you will be the first to know.
Otherwise I’m off to rewrite number four. Or burning the whole thing. (Not my Macbook, but I’ll print it out and do a ceremonial cremation.)
Good luck with both your writing and your reading, and thanks for staying with me.
Today is the second day of The Wake-Up Call being free and after one day I’ve already had 13000+ downloads, which I’m very happy with. Just hope the readers like the story as well. I woke up to the nice news of being #1 in Contemporary Fiction and #6 in Kindle Books. Thanks everyone for helping me boost the book. Sorry about any spam or unintended bragging, but an independent author needs every little help he/she can get 🙂
Now I can just hope the reception will be equally good for my next novel, Hollywood PA.
Thanks to Twitter I stumbled upon this article which states that Elisabeth Moss, who plays Peggy Olsen in our favorite TV series Mad Men, has recently made her public debut with her new boyfriend, a guy with the cool name of Adam Arkapaw (kapow!).
I don’t really care one bit about Elisabeth Moss, except for her doing a brilliant job in the series, but I like her quote about her ex-husband, SNL-comedian Fred Armisen, who she was married to for eight months:
“One of the greatest things I heard someone say about him is, He’s so great at doing impersonations, but the greatest impersonation he does is that of a normal person.”
The Daily Mail article said it was a difficult divorce and after that kind of comment, I can see it.
Eight months might sound like a very short time to be married, but in Hollywood relationships play by different rules. I would love to see some statistics on the average Hollywood marriage, but all I could find in my research was this Wikipedia overview of successful and less successful Hollywood marriages.
One obvious recent example is of course Kim Kardashian‘s marriage to Kris Humphries which infamously lasted only 72 days. This makes Katy Perry and Russell Brand‘s marriage of 14 months seem rather long. But the one that beats them all is Skinhead (Sinéad) O’Connor and Barry Herridge’s marathon date/marriage which lasted 16 days!
How can you marry someone only to be together for 16 days? Must be all impulse? We can easily say that people in Hollywood have less time to meet and properly get to know each other, more stress in their careers and their public lives, often run into other interesting people and thereby often tempted to look for something better. Famous people also tend to be quite emotional, which might make marrying someone after only a few weeks together not seem like such a bad idea.
But let me close this post by saying that if you look like these two, it’s always a bad idea.
Pic: Sinéad O’Connor and Barry Herridge
Thanks for reading and sharing, /J.
Lenah and I started the morning with espressos and a chat about the different mental types of Ayurveda, the Rajas, Sattva and the Tamas of the world. This might have sounded a little pretentious, but at least we weren’t sitting on pillows and drinking handpicked white tea with jasmine incense lingering softly in the background. And I’ll be even more honest and say I didn’t know one thing about Ayurveda teachings until Lenah started talking about it but I must say it sounds very interesting.
According to the Ayurveda teachings there are three different body types/qualities, Doshas, and three mental types/qualities, Gunas. The three Gunas are called Sattva, Rajas and Tamas and brief description of them would look like this:
Sattva – creative; clear; harmonious
Rajas – activity; movement
Tamas – inertia; dullness; lethargy
We all consist of all three of these types, but according to Ayurveda excessive Rajas and Tamas have a disturbing influence on the mind and we should aim to have the Sattva at about two thirds or more. Makes sense in a way, everybody could have a little more Gandhi or Dalai Lama in them.
Lenah started telling me about all this while I was writing and researching Hollywood PA, so I “obviously” had E! online in one of the tabs. Reading celebrity news is sometimes as interesting as going to a spreadsheet conference, but sometimes you stumble upon interesting stuff or things which provokes some kind of thinking.
I can for example say that Chris Brown would need a little bit more Sattva in his life and when I write “a little” I mean a lot. Brown is a talented singer/dancer/songwriter but for some he is more famous for beating up Rihanna when they were dating. Now he had apparently been involved in a bar brawl with his colleague rapper Drake (are rappers colleagues? they don’t seem all that friendly). The brawl took place in the W.i.P. nightclub in SoHo, New York, after, and here I quote E!, Brown had a $2,000 bottle of Ace of Spades champagne delivered to Drake’s table—a gesture that purportedly prompted the Young Money entertainer to send back a note that read, “I am f–king the love of your life.” That reported note being a reference to Brown’s 24-year-old ex, Rihanna, whom Drake had hooked up with.
The E! article comes with a blurred image of a night club covered in broken glass.
Yeah, Sattva is what they need, not money.
Because I wouldn’t blame fame or money on episodes like this, it could easily have happened in a shabby bar, involving 10-dollar sparkling wine and the girl could have been cross-eyed and weighing in at 300 pounds and the guys would still have been throwing glass at each other like idiots. They have just elevated their game to involve E! instead of Compton Daily.
So this is my suggestion to Chris Brown and Drake: Read an Ayurveda book, go to church every Sunday, take all your money and give it to charity and hole up in a monastery in Tibet for a year. Do something to get rid of this destructive rage, this Tamas that is apparently tearing your common sense to bits.
You would feel ten times better, I promise. Why not take solace in your Twitter profile message, Chris, the one that says: IM JUST ME!!!FRESH IZ A WAY OF LIFE.. so everyday is a new beginning… – let today be a new beginning.
Anyway, that’s today’s post, hope you learned something. Now I gon’ get me sum fresh Timbs n’ rims n’ beat up sum skanky hoes’, knowwhatamsayin’?
Lenah and I watched a new episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians yesterday, an episode where a big part of the family and especially the “momanager” Kris Jenner got into their heads to start playing tennis. Something which, according to Jenner’s biography, they did a lot back in the days. The majority of the tennis segment was based around how much Kris Jenner moans when she hits the ball. They thought it absolutely ridiculous which can mean two things:
1. They had nothing better to work on for the show.
2. They have never ever seen women’s tennis.
I would think it’s a combination of both. This season of Keeping up with the Kardashians seems even more contrived, staged and made-up than previous seasons. My guess is that they’re running out of ideas and I can’t blame them. How long can a reality show last anyway?
I would neither blame them for not watching women’s tennis. Why? Well, it’s both slower and way more one-dimensional than men’s tennis. They have a distinct lack of interesting profiles (compare with Nadal and Federer for example) and they seem to have a new world number one every other day. The grunting is also an annoying problem (just watch any match with Maria Shaparova to see what I mean) which doesn’t seem to go away. To explain why players breathe/grunt it’s because it improves a player’s rhythm and concentration. You see it sometimes also in the men’s game, but not to the extent of the power shriekers on the WTA Tour.
But this post wasn’t going to be about women’s tennis, it was going to be about the Chanel tennis racket that Kim Kardashian bought for her mother when she realized (make empathy sound effect here) she had gone too far in mocking her moaning. Why would fashion and fragrance giant Chanel venture into tennis? I guess to please the likes of Kardashians and other people with fat wallets and very little imagination on what to spend it on (it’s around $900 on ebay, a pro racket is about $200). I don’t think it plays as well as a pro racket for example, but I haven’t “test driven” it, but it has a classy feel, much like the Slazenger racket that Tim Henman used to play with.
When I come to think of it, the post is not really about the Chanel tennis racket either, it’s about the Kardashians. Lenah and I have been watching the show for a while now and it seems like it’s on it’s final stretch. People usually make a face-cringe when you tell them you watch and sometimes enjoy the Kardashians, it’s looked upon to be in poor taste, especially by men who think football is an interesting sport (it’s not really if you think about it). I’ve had an excuse for it, calling it research for my upcoming novel about the Hollywood lifestyle (titled Hollywood P.A), but in all fairness, it can be quite entertaining. Especially the last season of Kim and Kourtney take New York where you got a glimpse of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries‘ fairytale wedding, which, we were not surprised, was over within a season.
Anyway, this whole post has become a digression. Let’s summarize:
1. Chanel tennis racket looks good but is not worth $900
2. Women’s tennis is not very entertaining and some players exaggerate the shrieking.
3. The Kardashians have been entertaining over the years, but are running out of ideas.
4. You need to watch this space, because my second novel, titled Hollywood PA, will be up here before too long.
5. Oh, almost forgot, football is overrated.
Now go and have a nice day. /JE